30
Nov

never thought i’d miss somebody this much… but i do

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: of love and ex's

1:30 am… just woke up, darkness surrounded me.then i noticed my pillow right in front of my face, my arms wrapped around it tightly. I threw it away, i just had a dream and in that dream i was hugging somebody tightly coz i miss him and in there he just came back and i was hugging him… happily.

as i type these words, tears are falling down my eyes. I never thought it could be possible. I know it is not impossible to miss somebody but missing somebody this much, subconsciously. I never thought I would miss somebody this much, that he’d be in my dream and in my dream I would see his face perfectly, clearly…

This rarely happens and I’m so afraid that I’m so into somebody so deeply he’d even be in my subconscious. I’ve dreamed of people with clear faces before but never with like the leading man, my partner. Friends, parents, pets, visions of them are clear but with the man in my dreams, it never was.

I can just see all of him there but never the face. The long hair, how tall he is, the size of his body but never, just never that clearly.

I hate myself for doing this. I just asked God for amnesia and thought if ever there’s a machine or something I could take to erase a memory.

It is not that I want to forget him but having him there would be difficult because I know he would be leaving and his plans could never be altered irregardless of my presence.

I do want to forget, gradually. It would be less painful that way. I told him that, i asked him that when he tried to let go. I asked for it to die a natural death. I just can’t bear sudden death circumstances except maybe for accidents.

And now I’m crying coz it’s hard. Hard for me to forget him and hard for me to accept that maybe my subconscious already chose a man for me, a man i could probably never have for myself.

I tried to let go, i tried my hardest to let go and over the past weeks i did. I thought I did but with what happened a while ago is just too hard to bear. I don’t wanna sulk again and think what i did wrong, what happened for things to go wrong and stuff. I have other things I should worry about but this one just sucks.

I never thought I’d miss somebody this much… but I do.

and I hate every minute of it.

15
Sep

flashbacks at the appliance shop

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: just thoughts

A PAIN STRICKEN TRIP TO THE STORE

Before going home, I stopped by the mall to drop my sister’s entries for her wanting to win a new car. Having nothing to do, Marc told me to go window shop for some things at the appliance store. We looked at the coffee makers, laughed at my stupidity as to how a certain fan rotates, and looked at some refrigerators, tried to find one which looked just like the one in my now close friend ex’s kitchen. Marc said some words that made me realized something painful and inevitable. I went on ahead to relieve myself of the pain, trying to pretend that the words didn’t bother me, and looked at some laundry machines trying hard to replace my emotion with the mental picture of my friend’s laundry machine I saw at her home. As I was coping with the pain we went on to the TV’s and looking at the clear, big screens of the LCD TV, scenes of dreams for my life suddenly flashed and took over me.

As the Street Fighter characters simulate a fight before me, my father’s liking for the TV and a dream he told me reminded me of whom he wanted me to be. I remembered him persuade/advise/ask-ing me that I want to become a lawyer someday. I can’t remember what I answered him. Suffering from low self-esteem because of my thin and ugly looks, I think I declined the idea seeing how confident and in the spotlight lawyers were in the movies I saw. Not following my dad’s wish didn’t hurt me at all but not being able to fulfill what I could have become really got to me.

I wanted to leave the place, hating myself for how shallow and simple I took and lived the past twenty five years of my life. I know I have other things to blame for how I turned up to be, but not being strong enough to prove and show the world what I could have become really made me sad. Letting the people that mean most to me down was even more painful. I blamed myself for not knowing how and what life really is. I consider myself quite knowledgeable at school and some things but the knowledge I had back then was just put to waste with the way I think and acted. I wasted my time. I shoved the chance of my becoming something further away and my giving the people I love the things they really need and dream and want.

Eating one of my favorite food didn’t help take my mind of what happened at the store. My insides cried for that which I wasted and neglected. What he said and what I realized inside justified the fact that it is I alone who holds the key to my happiness and my need for self importance. Going to the store didn’t just made me sad and realize where I am now, financially. It made me realize how much time, effort and emotion I wasted with what I did and with what I still do now. I know I need to act if I want to fulfill that which I dream but the pain has taken over me and sometimes it leaves me sleepless and crying in the night. Emptiness, betrayal, and hopelessness overwhelm me and my emotions hinder me to do something about all these things for now…

Saturday, September 6, 2008

10
Jul

wishful thinking

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: from somewhere

just read this a while ago, twas mailed by a friend…

mushy but cute… how i wish me too. Hope to find and be with hi who’ll love me just as the man who sent his wife Christmas roses…

Christmas Roses

A touching story…….

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my date this Christmas," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband’s favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Christmas before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you’d call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you’ll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card…he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he’s no longer here,
That’s the card…that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote…
"Hello my love, I know it’s been a year since I’ve been gone,
I hope it hasn’t been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it’s only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please…try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door’s not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I’ve instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

01
Mar

a FIGHTER or a LOSeR?

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: about ME

Twas just yesterday when I faced an oddity in life. Twas like something that i had but then twas vague if it was true or i was just mistaking it for something. I wouldn’t wanna reiterate bout the incident coz i wasn’t even sure what he meant or as to the reality of the words he asked me? It was vague and i’ve been there before. It wasn’t new to me since i came up in a fight with him, the first time i ever stood up for myself and confronted somebody bout stuff he promised he’d do to me. Really, i am a fighter. I’ve the strongest will anybody could ever have and people have always praised me for possessing it. I stick to my will even if it hurts me a lot, even if it puts me in the most aggravating position ever. I don’t know if it’s just a matter of will or of principle. Vie always been doing stuff that doesn’t make people feel force with stuff they do. I’ve always valued doing stuff my own way and so I value stuff if people do it on their own, that they decided to do it, that THEY DID IT FOR ME. Weird but I’ve always given up my happiness just because I wasn’t in the position to demand because i was late, because somebody else beat me to the position, but more because i know that im coming in between somebody else’s happiness and right. I’ve never ever fought for myself, for my own place, mainly because im afraid that there really was nothing in there for me, that i was only made to believe because people want to get their way with me. Even so, I only wanted to make people realize and decide if I really have some worth in them. I mean if ever I meant something. I want them to realize or maybe think that IT’S ME… That they can’t live without me or even just a simple that they love me and they want to be with me. THEY, just because it didn’t happen to one guy. And where it has lead me, here alone and lonely and wishing that they’d realize that they wanna pick me and want to be with me. But sadly, though the many people i did it to, nobody ever realized I’m worth something. Maybe because I turned my back on them but even so, won’t they fight for it if I really mean something? Don’t they have the sleepless nights ive had wishing that im there spending time with him, sharing the fun we shared when we were together. Are they losers too that they think just because I turned my back on them that it meant I didn’t loved them? That because things happened that fast that there wasn’t anything to it but merely a play, just a game? It’s hard dwelling with what if’s but still until now, im waiting for even just one person to tell me that i meant a lot to them and he’d want to be with me simply because that was the main reason why i went away. Not because i don’t love them but i love them that much that i wanna see if they’re willing to fight for that which they feel for me. But sadly, nobody ever did and ive been badly hurt suffering the consequences of that which i did, just because i want them to be the one fighting for me. I don’t know where this would lead. Maybe it’ll lead to me growing up alone. Harsh as it maybe, i still did it even if it means being alone for the rest of my life. Because i k now that if ever somebody did, it’ll be worth all the pain i gave to me in order to be happy. I might be losing but I’m still fighting to do that which i always did, making that somebody realize that it’s me and till such time, id still be the loser I’ve always been. Coz fighting for that which I strongly believe in is something that I’m gonna do for the rest of my life…

01
Mar

getting by with being pathetic

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: about ME

Funny how the tide has turned for me yesterday but i still am oblivious as to "IF I SHOULD GO ON WITH IT OR NOT" coz really, i have no such feeling to be in a relationship again. I mean I was just made a fool a week ago and already i’ll be putting myself in that situation again? No way Jose! It’s just painful and insulting, the incident that happened to me the past 2 weeks. I mean I believed a friend and trusted him, believing that he’ll deliver me out of the hell hole i’ve been in for the past 2… 3 years but I just found myself digging a lil more to the pit i’m in… Oh what the hell, I’ll dig meself out. Nothing’s gonna happen if i’ll wait and rely on soomebody else… But going back to what has happened, I don’t and can’t really say what got into me… Love rush? February rush? But what ever it is, it was so bad… Damn that guy who recommended that guy haha… I mean I was falling for a guy who was a friend of this other guy i dated a long long time ago and he said not to fall for the guy coz he ain’t worth it and he promised to have me meet up with this other guy whom he knows a lot coz he felt sorry for me and he did hurt me a long time ago too, maybe atone for the stuff he did or something and I BELIEVED HIM. Darn it! I mean picture me out, picture kimyAh becoming a throw rug for a guy she doesn’t even really like or picture herself being with just because of the RECOMMENDATION. It’s so funny but I did. I compromised everything. The wall I set up to keep people away was gone, even the infamous standard for men i’l go out with was gone. OMG! (damnit! I did that much???) I mean I did and now that im done with it, i sat down and think bout the consolation (like please don’t make me cry again) for the thing that happened. I mean I was even at a point where I was gonna kneel or something? Im such a loser… But then, looking back, I can really say that I really am no martyr. That there are just some standards i can’t possibly compromise or bend. I mean, it’s become a principle coz i have nothing but just myself and if i let people step on me, it’s so worthless. i mean I didn’t came all the way to where I am now (wait a minute, where am I haha) to just let people do that to me. I aint gonna back down. Though it sucks a lot coz i really might be living alone for the rest of my life but instead of being sorry for my sorry ass and cry and wail and be pathetic and stuff, I decided that I already cried a lot and im not gonna shed a tear again for being alone again but instead I’m gonna take care of me from now on. Like if somebody can’t stick with just only me and put up with me then i’m gonna give them what they want and do for myself that which i want. It sucks but, I’M ALL I HAVE… But the good side of it is, Ive made people cry and beg on their knees before to be with me so I know that I’m the best there is with the loving and caring so why not do it for me. At least I know what they’ll be missing ;)

01
Mar

numb…

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: about ME

Sigh… I’m numb (finally…)
I just got the last straw and that was it. I’ve had enough. Trusting people is a big issue for me, with intimate relationships i mean. I just can’t… I’ve had it. They’re all enough for me.
I just haven’t met anybody who could really stick to the person they say they love. I mean for me, Love entails loyalty, fidelity and commitment. Its just impossible to serve two masters at the same time or say like if ever, that the treatment would e like EQUAL. There’ll always be someone who’s gonna be on top. That can never be for me. I just want to be THE ONLY ONE and it’s so hard for people to commit to it, to even keep it. I just can’t see why loving is like that for some people coz it never is for me.

And because of this, im vowing to my single life. So what if i’ll cry every night coz i wish somebody to love me, hug me and stuff.  It’ll still be the same anyway if i ever get to be in a relationship. People cant keep the stuff they say.  They even forget to comply to a dinner they’ve kept on saying for some time, what more something that they say they’ll keep forever.

I dunno, i just don’t feel anything now though i’m opening to spending time with somebody. It’s more like a play for me. Acting, role playing and stuff but feelings? I don’t feel em anymore. I finally suceeded to shut my door and i’ll keep it closed as much as i could. There’s just nothin to lovin but disappointments and tears and pain so why love again? I can go be with people who’ll treat me special anyway, I can just act and let them feel theyre special to me too to maybe keep it goin bout it’s all for show. Like they’d be affected anyway…

Oh well, i’ll just be livin me life.

01
Mar

worthless

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: just thoughts

It just dawned on me… There is one thing that has never ever happened to me no matter how simple it is. So simple that it sounds quite pathetic. Though I’ve always been an individual who tries to do things he hasn’t done or experienced in life, there are just somethings one can’t do especially that it needs another life and mind to do it. I am alone… Alone and had been lonely. I have friends but not even one knows me well. Know me as I am and how I’ve been and what I do and my traits. Some might’ve but it is always only up to some extent. The wholeness of my individuality is still a mystery except to me. Nobody knows me and y’know what makes it even worse, it’s the fact that nobody wants to even if they can. That’s just how complex life turns to be even if it could have been simple. Days ago, i’ve been asked bout my plans, with what i’ve been doing now and it was a surprise when it was mentioned that he was left out. It wasn’t really clear what the person meant with his words but then he asked me something that could mean that it has something to do with him. It might not be what he meant but, regarding with that which he asked me, it hasn’t really reached my mind. Maybe in the future or i do have it in the list for one of my dreams, one which i wanted to achieve but, WHAT FOR? Money has never been that important to me. It might be needed for STUFF but then, what does that stuff do to make me happy? I mean why go there when there’s nothing to do there, nothing waiting there for me. His place there and my place here isn’t that different anyway. What i’ll be doing there is still pretty much what i’ll be doing here, maybe just economically different but still the same. It would still be empty… Though people have needs that are heirarchically organized and stuff, I still tend to go back to the very first question before realizing and doing things. WHY AM I HERE IF I WASN’T EVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY? Why am I here even if nobody wants to be with me or around me? Am I like a measurement as to how long one can stand living without any worth? Pathetic questions but it is happening to me. I’ve never ever had a best friend. I’ve never even had a friend who wanted to play with me when i was young. I was always either left or cast out. Even in parties I’d hear people asking my mom why I’m different and always have I heard a bad reply, that I am unwanted or something. That even then I’d always get to stay outside because of stuff I did which was out of my control. Im just surprised now that I lived this long enduring all the rejection and unwantedness. That even if ive been with a lot of men, nobody ever even wanted to be with me. That even at school nodoby would choose me or my so called friends wouldnt even ask me out to hang out with them. And always Ive seen that I never did anything bad, that I was just doing stuff the way I do, that I was merely living and sharing the same world they live in but still they want me not with them. I mean even before I’ve never been chosen as a partner at play or even at school even if I have the wits to back me up. Even if i never ever even said anything to the other person, even if i havent even uttered a single word to the person in their entire life. It’s sad to know that things that happened to me before made me the person I am today. Still wanting the attention, still wanting the want that people would have to me. I’ve never given up hope coz till now im still waiting for that to happen to me coz it has always been something I’ve always wanted all the days of my life. Coz no matter how small and attainable it is, i can never ever force people to feel it for me. Not even my parents who should have that love for me have given, have made me feel that importance, what more other people. I couldnt count or measure the tears and the pain i feel as i push every key to put this down right now but I still am waiting for the day that I achieve this. This simple tiny thing that life could never give to me… That i could forget the time they were late to put that medal I got for being the only person to get the scholarship, for standing there for what seems an eternity looking even for the shadow of my parents compared to the delight of others who were there with their children who didn’t even got a single thing. For the time they scolded me coz i got home after them,not even asking what happened to the examination i took which i passed and i was the youngest who took it among the group even if i didnt study or made any reviews. Funny but these are the memories i got for those who would consider it an achievement because not everybody could do it. So what is it’s worth, what is my worth if i get nothing but disapproval and dislike for the stuff i do irregardless if it’s so good and it’s beyond what other people could achieve. Would it ever change if I get to work oversees? Would i be worth something if i let them swim in a pool of money coz at every side i look, nothing i ever did is worth even something. If hope be like the leaves of trees and mine can’t help but just fall, would it live long enough to replace each leaf with a new one? Would the time ever come that the tree can no longer have any leaf to fall? If nothing i ever did is important, what’s it to stuff I’m doing now? Would i ever be worth something someday or will i die ever searching for that single soul that will make me feel that i am not only something but everything to them? I don’t know but i think it’s all i ever searched in my life and i’m afraid that i’d die if ever i find it even if i only get to feel a second that i am worth something… Yes, i’d rather die than see myself again peering over peoples shoulders searching and waiting for that person to come and make me feel special. that ever elusive thing that i have searched all these years of my life.

30
Sep

regreting everything but whatever

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: just thoughts

i kinda am but nah hahaha

at least a test of my will and everything and i dunno

i still have ahmmm a lot of yknow what hehe

jst trying to make me way by the world and besides, why help anybody who wouldn’t wanna be helped anyway…

hmmm… i’ll miss you people but hey, i’ll see you at the top or somewhere

15
Sep

(m)E! online

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: about ME

my intro at kb893.com’s message board.. well, it’s kinda really me hahaha so post, post, post… my blog anyway

–

hi im Kim, im a SHE-male having no bOObs & all
im 23 & crap, what else do you wanna know bout me?

Im not gonna say anything bout how i look since we’re doing this online and all. Im just gonna stay stuff bout my personality ONLINE…

Really, i dont give a damn about my posts. Its like im just having fun, posting truths and half truths esp those kinky stuff. I mean unless done in reality, i really dont take sex seriously. I’ll blabber pretty much anything about it, im not doing it anyway while im posting my message & stuff so WHY CARE? & for that people kinda judge me and PRESUME stuff which really aren’t real. Again, i don’t give a damn, crap or whatever AS LONG as your life & my life aint affecting each other then YOU & I can do anything we want to do.

I am quite sensitive and i can easily burst in flames, become a ravaging tiger especially if somebody tries to attack me ESPECIALLY if i haven’t done anything BAD or offensive or stuff to them. Beware coz ive the PRIDE which i wont and never will allow to be stepped on. I mean cmon, what’ll you get if you attack me? (oh but then again you’ll be famous coz im gonna make a THREAD just for you or even yet a POEM!) >:-) Just stay out of my freakin way or ill tear you up in pieces with my little cutie claws

Hmmm what else? oh, im Ms KNOW-IT-ALL here. I say stuff & ul think im trying to overpower you (oh cmon, cant u just accept that ur a dimwit? hehehe kiddin) but really, im just sharing ideas. IDEAS & FACTS are different so if ever you are affected, not my fault. Ive just been thru stuff which armed me the crap i say ;-)
Just say, be openminded so as to not be hurt and stuff, im trying my best to be considerate & all anyway. Just that I dont really say stuff which doesnt have a point. Just dont read my post if you don’t like wat yer reading hehehe

And im Ms ENGLISH teacher/dean here hahaha Dont ahmm get hurt if i laugh at yer grammar. I just find it funny but im not gonna attack u for that. im just gonna roll over, laughing my butt off and thank you bcoz i really dont laugh that easy

i think that is enough. Since we’re all new here, im a newbie too. Im not gonna shoo you off if you’re being rude & stuff since i can always just ask dear ole (no names allowed) to ban you LOL

See yah in the threads!

–

trying this one out…

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14
Sep

of course, GWAPA jud ta

By younglady 0 Comments
Categories: from somewhere

a post by a friend at kb893.com’s messageboard (again)

It’s cute, kinda vain but hey, bahala na hahaha… We’re all beautiful in our own little way.  It’s also a good way to cope up with broken relatiochips too, helps people move on and stuff… Well, gwapa ko hahaha (naa man jpon ng-ingon beh) so i post it here hehehe

Before, hinahabol kita pero di mo ako pinapansin.
Tapos isang araw nawala ako, hinanap mo ako at tinanong, "Bakit ka nagsawa?" Ngumiti ako, "Hindi ako nagsawa. Natauhan lang." Pwede mo kong lokohin pero wag kang magpapahuli sakin. Pwede mo kong palitan pero siguraduhin mong mas mahal mo siya sakin. Pwede mo kong iwan pero siguraduhin mong kaya mo. Kasi pag ako sobrang nasaktan, wala ka nang babalikan.

Ang Boys? Pag trip ka, magpapakilala. Kaibigan kuno hanggang pumorma na.Tapos pag nahulog ka na, ayun, goodbye na dahil sawa na sila. Pero dapat walang iiyak at smile lang tayo. Punyeta, anong silbi ng karma?

I fell in love and got hurt but I didn’t shed too much tears nor did I ask him to love me again. Instead, I stood up proudly and said, "Ganyan talagaang magaganda! Hindi bagay sa tanga!"

Simple lang para hindi ka masaktan. Kapag minahal ka, mahalin mo din. Kapag ginago ka, gaguhin mo rin.
Pero kapag umiyak ka, tanga ka! Ginago ka na nga, iiyakan mo pa?

Pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo, wag mo siyang sisihin!
Kausapin mo siya ng harap-harapan at sabihin mong, "Ingat, tanga ka pa naman!"

Masakit pag iniwan ka ng mahal mo. Pero wag kang magagalit ng husto. Kahit papano may pinagsamahan naman kayo, diba? Kaya for the last time yakapin mo siya at ibulong mo, "Gago, kukulamin kita!"

Girls, talo daw tayo sa mga boys? Papayag kayo?
Sige, pag niligawan tayo, sagot agad. Pag iniwan tayo? Ok lang.
Kapag sinabi nilang, "Uy, ex ko.", alam niyo sagot diyan? "Ay, ambisyoso."

If the one you love doesn’t love you back, don’t get depressed. Just think about it for a while, maybe cry a bit then wipe your tears and say, "Ang weird naman niya. Di siya pumapatol sa magaganda!"

You only got one life so live it well., one heart so take good care, one soul so keep it pure.
One boyfriend? What a waste! Make it two or more!
Sayang ganda natin!

Pag sinabi sayo ng mahal mo na ayaw na niya sayo, hayaan mo lang. Wag kang iiyak at magpapakagago!
Imbis na iyakan mo siya, ngitian mo lang at sabihin mo ang ganito, "So, pano? Bye na! Naghihintay na ang kapalit mo!"

Who cares about break-ups? Oo nga, masakit. Makirot sa puso. Pero tandaan mo: a break-up isn’t only an end to a relationship. It’s also a beginning of a new one and an end to a living hell called "ex".

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